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Posted 20 hours ago

No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Markway is an actual psychologist with an accomplished scientific publication history; Ampel is a journalist with expertise in business, law, and communications.

but rather as mutual negotiation and cooperation for a common good, with someone entirely your equal, and not as a program to please or rescue someone. Anyone who actually listens to other perspectives, who actually takes the trouble to genuinely find out why, for example, they are so frustrated in relationships, will find a dozen female voices explaining that “someone who believes himself to possess genuine ‘nice guy’ characteristics…actually may not. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head-on, and is thankful for them.The single most important item of information here— almost literally the only thing that matters about any of these studies—has consistently and always been completely ignored: What is the difference between those 80% of compliers and the 20% who don’t comply. Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him. We now live in a civilized world, which allows us the safety to turn delay and indecision into truer collections of beliefs over time.

Glover’s causal model is, in a nutshell, that all children experience abandonment (at some point or other, and likely frequently, some need they have is not met “in a timely way” or at all; which is a truism for all human children), abandonment always causes children to develop an ego-centric causal explanation for it (because “all” children, he says, are “ego-centric”), and therefore children “always” (sic) blame themselves for it (“they” did something wrong; or there must be something wrong “with them”), and this leads to “toxic shame,” which Glover says “is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. This can sound like permission to be selfish, putting yourself first, being pushy or demanding—and thus feeling justified in one’s “disappointment” when it doesn’t come through.

I frequently tell couples that if you have one obviously wounded person in the relationship you always have two. If you are not taking women’s voices seriously, you’ve found your first failure-mode that you need to fix, stat. Confidence is a question of either doubting or trusting your skills, knowledge, or odds of success in a given situation; self-respect is a question of believing on real rather than delusional evidence that you are a good person—more particularly, that you are the sort of person you like and admire, the sort of person you’d prefer to have around you in life, and not, instead, the sort of person you actually dislike or despise and would usually avoid or get away from. For example, Glover declares that seeking validation from a woman “requires” a man “to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman’s availability” for sex; which is not even plausibly true much less a healthy therapeutic claim to make to any client.

The way Glover frames his project, is that “by giving these men the label Nice Guy, I’m not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. Likewise “climaxing too quickly” is simply a product of over-heightened arousal; if a guy climaxes and doesn’t offer to keep going with his partner with any of the entire remaining arsenal of sexual pleasuring available (fingers, tongues, and toys, intentional and improvised, all do exist as things), then you may have a censurable behavioral problem. What really is the difference between genuinely and honestly working to become a better person (which is obviously what everyone should do) and what Glover’s Nice Guy supposedly wants to do?By contrast, IMO, Glover comes across as a lazy and incompetent copycat, borrowing ideas from Covey, and deploying them poorly. Surrender allows recovery Nice Guys to let go and respond to life’s complex beauty, rather than trying to control it. A problem I encountered twice: When I needed CBT, it proved nearly impossible to find the right therapist. Written primarily from the prospective [sic] of alcoholic family systems, this early book on codependency applies to both men and women. In relationships, a life–and–death struggle is played out to bounce their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation.

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